


Carmesí

by hesitant_alien



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (they all need a hug), -ish(?, Angst, Break Up, Drama, Everyone is sad and suffers, First Love, Hurt/Comfort, Im aiming for it too be angsty, Inspired by Music, M/M, Past Relationships, Post-Break Up, Sadkyuu!!, Slow Burn, cat!kenma, haha rip oikawa, most of the graduates are in the same college team
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-11-01 17:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10926915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hesitant_alien/pseuds/hesitant_alien
Summary: Kuroo and Tsukishima are in a long-distance relationship. After Kuroo graduates and the younger boy can’t handle it for long,  they break-up and try to move on, but there are rocks in their way and everything gets harder with time.A first love is always hard to forget...AU in which Kuroo and Tsukki break-up, Kenma is a cat, Oikawa messes shit up and Yamaguchi does not deserve this.





	1. Monday 28th

What an _idiot_.

Tsukishima knew something would go wrong the second he thought of Kuroo going to college, not that distance wasn’t already there when the dark-haired boy was still in high school, but high school and college were completely different things.

At first, it was nice to think that they could still manage the distance for a while longer, they had been dating for about three or four months after all; both knew it wouldn’t help just to think everything would be alright, but…

Well, it was _nice_ to think their relationship would go undamaged, wasn’t it?

They could just play pretend until it was all broken and beyond repair, right, _Kuroo_?

It was all communication. That’s all he needed to work on. All that _they_ needed to work on. Yet they couldn’t do it. He wasn’t able to. Tsukishima didn’t want to upset Kuroo, but Tetsurou never knew _he_ was upsetting Kei. Maybe, if he had reached out, the older boy would have listened, and maybe they could have gone through the next two years together until the blond graduated and aimed for the same college as his boyfriend.

But, at the same time, Tetsurou took it too lightly. He saw the younger boy struggle and did nothing. If he ever had to explain his current situation to anybody, the bed-haired boy would say he gave Kei space to breathe. He did all he could, but it just didn’t work.

_Lies_.

Kuroo was too scared to mess up that he wasn’t even able to do a thing. He blamed school, volleyball practice, distance and time, but never himself. _Of course,_ it was just a matter of getting used to it. Just a matter of _time_.

Both could still remember the best moments they spent together, neither couldn’t feel the distance at all, even though it _was_ there even then. Both trusted each other and knew that whenever one needed the other, they could give their support, hold and move on.

Tetsurou always told Kei that, no matter what, they’d always have each other, that he would do anything and everything to help him when he needed; he just needed _to reach out_.

Exactly what Kei never did.

Kuroo understood Tsukishima could be shy or that he didn’t like to ask for anything, nor he liked being clingy, sometimes it even seemed that it was really hard for Kei to accept he cared for his boyfriend at all; but that one boyfriend _needed_ to be needed.

Kuroo Tetsurou was a strong believer that relationships should never be one-sided.

And... he was right.

_He is right._

So, he waits until Tsukki tells him he needs to see him.

And he is left _waiting_.

It’s been weeks since Tetsu decided to leave Kei until he asks to see him, and it’s been weeks since the last time they met; Kuroo is weak when anything is about Tsukishima, so he calls to tell him he’ll visit on the weekend, to which he’s told not to (far too many times). 

“We can always talk on the phone when you have time. You don’t need to spend time or money,” Kuroo heard Kei’s voice through the phone. And, to be honest, he was already tired of not being able to feel his warmth.

And, deep down, Tsukishima really wants to see him as well, but he doesn’t feel like telling the older boy; Kei doesnt want his boyfriend to make fun of him.  Besides, he despises the idea of being clingy, and he'd rather let Tetsurou spend all that time and money in himself rather than Tsukishima, he'd prefer that Kuroo takes care on himself rather than wasting his time with Kei; precious time where he could be studying or sleeping, knowing how much he needed it. Tsukki’s got an idea of how hard university life is and he doesn’t want to be a nuisance. Little did he know, his boyfriend truly hated their time apart, Tetsu needed to see him. It’s been a while since Kuroo moved to the university’s dorms. Whenever they could spend time together, it was as if Kuroo took a first breath after almost drowning.

But he’s been drowning for months now.

The first time Kuroo visits after that, Kei seems really happy, and even though the younger tried not to make it obvious at all, Tetsu knew and so he decided to visit again. Besides, by this time, the black-haired boy could tell Tsukki’s yes-noes apart from his no-noes.

It all seemed to be going well for both now that they had a weekend for themselves, every time Kuroo visited, Kei would manage to have the house for himself, his brother wasn’t staying home and didn’t visit that often and his parents visited his grandmother for the whole weekend. After all, Tsukishima had “too much school work” and couldn’t go; no one ever questioned Kei when his reasons were related to school.

At the beginning, they were both too self-conscious when Tetsu accidentally mentioned another kind of intimacy, one they weren’t very used to. Then, he subtly asked if they were ready to step forward in their relationship and Kei _wondered_. But they tried and it wasn’t that bad for their first time, though it took them almost a whole day to get to it. Kuroo had the need to make sure Tsukki truly wanted this; besides, he didn’t want to hurt him, both took their time to prepare physically and mentally.

Since that first time they met after months, it was all sex afterwards. Kuroo looked energetic and joyful, Tsukishima not that much. There was always an air of withdrawn around him, but, again, he was always like that, _right_? How could Kuroo notice anyway?

The first few times, Kei didn’t truly mind, he did enjoy the pleasure of the moment himself. He noticed Kuroo feeling much better always after they did it, sex always seemed to help him relax and Kei was glad he could help at least in that way. But he worried about what would Kuroo think about him now or what would his family and friends think? He pretended not to care, but he did. Oh, way too much. He loved Kuroo, but what if Tetsu didn’t love him? What if he just _liked_ him? Could Tetsurou forget about this and move on if they broke up? Because he surely would _never_ , or at least he thought. He hated to worry excessively, but sexuality was pretty serious to him and sometimes he felt it wasn’t the same for his boyfriend. 

A few months after their first time, nothing changed, they only met to _fuck,_ basically.

Tsukishima felt frustration and emptiness, the blond never expected _this_ kind of relationship when he started dating Kuroo. Kei really looked forward to it, but, apparently, everything Tetsurou needed was _time_ to build up and all Tsukki was left with was a boyfriend with a high sex-drive. Every special thing he thought they had was starting to break apart, and the fact that Kuroo just visited for sex was constantly on his mind, because that’s exactly what he _is_ doing, right?

Although we would prefer certain things not to happen, they still do and life needs to go on.

But Kei was starting to get tired of life _going on_.

 

_Someone knocks the door_.

 

Tsukishima can already feel something boiling in his stomach, his hands tremble and his skin looks pale, his feet and hands are dead cold, but his chest burns. He’s never felt something like this before, but Kei doesn’t mind. He’s upset, really mad, but tries to keep it down and let his boyfriend come in.

Kuroo notices the blond is moody and proceeds to tease him for as long as he can. It’s exams and tournament season, he expected Kei to be stressed, so he doesn’t mind at all. Besides, Tsukishima ignores most of the teasing and jokes, he doesn’t look as ‘fine’ as he claimed to be feeling when his guest asked, but he tries to dismiss that and continues humoring him; though whenever Kei ‘jokes’ back, it’s sarcastic and mean, and doesn’t really feel like a joke anymore. Nothing seemed that bad until Tetsurou implied he was getting _turned on_ , though.

Tsukishima Kei _flipped_.

They fought, Kei was mad enough to get violent, but Kuroo had too much self-control (when he tried); he knew nothing good could come from punching each other’s faces. Besides, if Tsukishima was this mad it couldn’t be ‘nothing’. Yet, Tetsurou honestly had no idea what was wrong. As far as he knew, Kei enjoyed their relationship just as him. _At least that was what he told himself._

Kuroo slept on the couch and Tsukishima in his room.

The morning after, when the blond decided to apologize and take the chance to talk his mind out, he found that his boyfriend left earlier that morning; Kuroo had cleaned up all the stuff Kei broke while ranting the night before. He felt guilty but, as always, misunderstood the sign and never reached out.  

_Kei_ _gave up_.

Kuroo never visited Tsukki without asking him after the fight. In fact, Tetsurou never asked if he could visit again after that day. He knew Tsukishima needed time and he’d fought his will to visit him since, but again, the blond _needs_ time. _God damn,_ Kuroo himself _needs_ time. The black-haired boy has got his own exams and other _worries;_ the new part-time job, university work and volleyball were already a handful. 

“As soon as we get a break, we can meet. Distance won’t stop us.”

Tetsurou tells that to himself every day, but that’s not enough anymore.

Kuroo Tetsurou _needs_ Tsukishima Kei.

 


	2. Con ustedes, la rocola humana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introducing Oikawa and Iwaizumi, a pair that might or might not have been good for each other.

Iwaizumi always thought Oikawa was a pain in the ass, but it never crossed Hajime’s mind that he’d miss him like this someday. Not even once.

 

It all started in middle-school, Hajime’s classmates talked about their “crushes” and it made him curious, because, before that, all in Hajime’s mind was volleyball; and, by that time, he couldn’t have cared less about those kinds of feelings, but, well…

Since the beginning, he knew boys liked girls, and girls liked boys; it was always the same, which made Iwaizumi incredibly self-conscious, because, when he took the time to stop and think, all he could think about was Tooru.

Once, Hajime asked a classmate how was he supposed to know if he ever liked somebody. 

"Well, when you like a girl, it’s always fun to be with her, you always want to see her, and, even when she is around, you can’t help but wish that time will stop when you’re together"

It was troublesome, because Hajime only had Tooru so it might had been biased, but apparently, his heart didn’t mind. _He fell in love_. Oikawa played volleyball with him and he was as passionate as Iwaizumi, they could play for hours and would never get tired of it and when his friend wasn’t around, Iwaizumi would wish he was.

Hajime _knew_ he liked Oikawa already, but this was a step further, was it _love,_ though?

Sometimes, Iwaizumi honestly wished he never fell in love, or at least that he never noticed he _was_ in love; hiding feelings was harder than playing volleyball with the senior team. It was hard, especially when he wasn’t really sure what was love, which might be contradictory.

After a while, Hajime noticed his childhood friend was acting different around him, Oikawa was acting sillier than before and tried to tease him whenever he could and about _anything_ he could. Iwaizumi felt harassed in a way.  Maybe his _friend_ noticed he had another kind of feeling for him. But how? He made sure not to be obvious at all, besides, Oikawa was an idiot, he could never notice even if he wasn’t trying to hide, _right_?

It was around this time when Iwaizumi’s bad personality became stronger.

Tooru came off as flirty, Hajime was overly-conscious and insecure. Iwaizumi always turned him down, but somewhere along their middle school years, Oikawa noticed how much it hurt him to be turned down by Hajime. Tooru first thought it might have been his ego being bruised by rejection, but it didn’t just stay at that. It _hurt_ because it was _Iwa-chan_ who had hurt him. _His Iwa-chan_.

After being rejected a few times more and after feeling the void in his chest grow bigger and bigger, Oikawa Tooru then notices he is in _love_ with his best friend.

Thinking back, he remembers that the very first time he teased Iwa-chan and his friend blushed, his whole world lit up. Oikawa _wanted_ to see him blush, _never_ understood why, Tooru just thought it was something he’d _love_ to see again. Well, now he understands the reason behind, kind of.

Luckily, it all makes sense for Tooru, Iwaizumi might have misunderstood all the times he tried to flirt, because they were best friends and both guys. Tooru’s resolution is to try again, but being completely serious this time…

Which is hard for Oikawa, really, the first time he tries to talk to Hajime after that, Tooru is too nervous, he stutters and feels his head boiling. But it all means the same to Hajime: Oikawa is making fun of him and his feelings. Iwaizumi felt so upset, he never had the opportunity to confess, yet he gets teased like that. Hajime was hurting.

Years went by and things worked in the same way, although now they weren’t that close. Oikawa’s “teasing” and Iwaizumi’s bad temper drove them apart. They are now high school third-years, volleyball players, the captain and the ace; people would usually think they were very close (which, to be certain, Oikawa thought as well), until Iwaizumi gave him the cold shoulder once in front of the whole team. Tooru was teasing him during their training, but, sincerely, that was pretty dumb of Oikawa...

“We both know you _love_ me, Iwa-chan, come on!”

Hajime’s blood went ice-cold in his whole body, he faced him, told him to “shut the _fuck_ up” and turn his heels right on the place before walking off the gym. He was scared. _Why would Oikawa do that?_ One thing was to tease him when they were alone, another whole different thing was to ridicule him in front of their team.

But that’s only what Hajime thought and how he felt, leaving Oikawa wrecked on the other side.

Tooru would often say stuff like that to feel at ease with himself, he needed to feel close to Iwa-chan and the only way he found was giving himself reassuring comments now and then. He didn’t say Iwa-chan loved him because he _knew_ , he said it because he _wished_ it was true. So, when Iwaizumi turned his back on him, it _hurt_.

 

But neither knew they were both hurting.

 

Oikawa felt dejected and tried to straighten things between them, but Iwaizumi was far too crooked to be helped, or at least to be convinced that Tooru wasn’t trying to destroy what was left. But he tried, _damn_ , he tried.

On the other hand, for every time Oikawa tried to reach out, Iwaizumi recoiled a little more.

A week after that, they had a game against Karasuno and Hajime could feel some weird vibes between Oikawa and Kageyama, which was unexpected. Even though they had a story of their own, it was yet to be unexpected.

The part of the story he hated to remember the most happened among their last year of middle-school, there was tension between Tooru and Tobio, and some _things_ happened, and now, Hajime is convinced that Oikawa isn’t _the one_. 

A few weeks went by, weeks in which Aoba’s setter managed to achieve nothing, not in practice, not in classes; nothing, nowhere. He was never good when dealing with rejection and couldn’t quite take it anymore, so he stopped.

_Oikawa just stopped_.

Tooru stopped being Tooru. He seemed cold and unmotivated, not even volleyball pulled him out of that state of mind, nothing could pull him back together, not when all his pieces were shattered all over the floor. Oikawa wasn’t acting dumb nor making fun of anything. He is quiet and sometimes just not there at all.

Hajime is concerned and tries to get back to him. But whenever he asks something, Oikawa half-heartedly smiles and gently pushes him away.

“ _None of your business"._

That’s everything he gets, not literally, of course, Tooru could never be as mean, right? 

Though Hajime can feel it just that way.

But for Oikawa nothing can matter that much anymore either way. He must be an _awful_ person to have pushed away (probably) the only person that could care deeply for him and the only one he _deeply_ cared for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The update is here! I hope I didn't let you down with this ;u; 
> 
> Also, I don't know if this is too long or too short, but I hope whatever it is, you enjoy it!


	3. Russian Literature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata looks up to Kageyama, but Kageyama looks down on Hinata. 
> 
> Or, in which Oikawa messes up, Kageyama lets it go and Hinata has to deal with it.

When they met, neither could stand the other, yet, as time passed by, it all grew one-sided.

After Kageyama told Hinata that their team didn’t need someone like him, Shouyo felt troubled. Of course, Tobio hurt his pride, but that wasn’t just it; there was something else that hurt and he could not simply just pin-point it. It was driving him crazy.

He tried. Hinata Shouyo tried, for months, yet nothing seemed to please the other. Not a single spike, not a single block. Nothing.

“ _Please, give me a chance. Even the worst player gets one.”_

One day, Hinata thought of skipping practice, everything he did felt useless. It didn’t matter if Tanaka told him he was doing better, nor that Sugawara told him not to wear himself out. There was no motivation, at all.

Tobio did make him feel as if Hinata was a good for nothing and he couldn’t keep up. Shouyo was never the type to give up, but there was always a _first_ time, wasn’t it?

Anyone could say Kageyama was as cold and unmoving as a mountain, of course Hinata would never touch his heart. Tobio was too much and Shouyo felt too little. It was hard since the beginning but it became harder when the shorter boy heard about Oikawa. Tobio never told him, it was more of a gossip among teams but now he could understand a little better…

Oikawa and Kageyama had a thing, he never heard how serious it was between them, but he didn’t really need to be that smart to know it didn’t end well and that Kageyama was who hurt the most. It was not fair, not for Tobio and less for Shouyo. Hinata was trying to make things better, for himself, for his team, _for Kageyama_. But the later never acknowledged him, they’ve been together for a while now since they met and the taller boy keeps stepping backwards.

_Yet Shouyo kept waiting for Tobio…_

This was _love_ , right? Hinata was in love, _right_? It was certainly what he expected the less, but _love_ wouldn’t stop and wait for him to decide what he wanted or _who_ he wanted. First love was always hard, he heard.

So, the first time he skipped practice, he felt down, as he had never before. It was even worse than the first time he met Kageyama and he kicked his butt on a match. Shouyo arrived at school early for practice, but decided not to go on his way to it, the orange-haired boy walked up to the rooftop of the classroom building and spent the rest of the time until classes there, overthinking, probably.

 _Why couldn’t he be a little bit more like Oikawa?_ It would make everything _easier_ , his chest wouldn’t hurt every time he thought of Tobio or volleyball. Yes, even volleyball was painful now. Maybe that was the reason why he didn’t go to practice? Though the immediate reason wouldn’t matter, at the end they all would sum up to be related with his crush on Kageyama.

By the time Hinata distanced himself, Kageyama felt his absence already. He was worried, but swore he’d kick Shouyo’s ass for slacking off whenever he appeared in front of him. That didn’t happen, though. Kageyama didn’t see the shorter boy for the rest of the day, the next day was the same until he decided to pay a visit; days were grey without the sun to light up after all.

Tobio was _really_ worried and Hinata looked gloomy. No matter how many times the taller tried to insult him, the ‘dumbass’ wouldn’t react: a sad smile, an apology and silence. This wasn’t the Hinata he _liked_.

But Kageyama wouldn’t mind him, they had a _game_ close and couldn’t stop and ask this loser to join him and the rest of the team. Or maybe he would. Tobio asked Shouyo to come practice, it sounded more as a command, but it worked both ways. Life was brought back to Hinata’s eyes.

The smaller boy knew that Kageyama was just ordering him around, as he would usually do, but the fact that he noticed Shouyo wasn’t around and came to make sure he wouldn’t skip again was like a gift for him. He _noticed_.

For a while, things worked well enough. Tobio told Hinata he’d make of him the best decoy ever and the shorter boy was truly excited. Technically speaking, everything went smoothly when they started working together.

And months went by, everything great. They reached the peak, but the worst of reaching a high peak is the way down, like a rollercoaster. It gets the best of your anxiety, waiting for something so expectantly.

It seemed that Tobio and Tooru had a discussion before, but when Kageyama tried to work things out after a while, Oikawa pointed out some issues with his personality and his attitude. The younger tried to ask for advice and the brunet told him not to boss people around, which Kageyama didn’t quite agree with. They fought again and the dark-haired boy’s mood was _fucked_ up once more.

Hinata told the taller to take his time, not to give up and that he _trusted_ him. Shouyo knew Kageyama was the best setter he could ask for and tried to let him know in his own way.

But Tobio had other things on his mind and those didn’t include Hinata. If only Oikawa would give him one _more_ chance.

And Hinata truly wished he was Oikawa.

And both were back to step one…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update!  
> This one was a little bit shorter, I'm sorry!
> 
> Feedback is much appreciated :D


	4. Not like a movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t need much to notice, Kei would never feel for Yamaguchi the way he does. 
> 
> And nothing matters. Not the time it took him to notice, not the tears and blood he’d shed, not his feelings for the blond, neither the time they did spend together before. Nothing. 
> 
> Because Tadashi never worked hard for Tadashi, he worked hard for Kei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, bby Yams
> 
> ((And sorry for updating this late omg))

Yamaguchi has been in love with Tsukishima for as long as he can remember, most likely since they were kids, but was never brave enough to tell the blond, not until it was too late.

When Tadashi heard Tsukki and him would share classes their first year of high school, most of his worries washed away. Yamaguchi wanted to change, for good.

He was a teen in love and would make everything work out. The first weeks felt a little slow, he kept following Kei around, planned to join the volleyball team with him, had lunch together, both walked home, talked about homework. Slow but good.

When they finally had to turn in their papers for the volleyball team, the captain told both that they’d have a practice match. Tadashi had his first chance to prove how much he’s worked, he couldn’t have been more excited.

The day finally arrived, the two guys Tsukishima and Yamaguchi met the other day in the park were there as well.  Everything seemed to be going alright, until the freak duo did their thing, then he understood the limelight would never be on him, Tadashi just wouldn’t be that good.

If Yamaguchi ever thought high school would give him the chance to prove himself, he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Yet he tried, he did try.

But, as Edison once said, _genius_ is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. It didn’t matter if he worked hard, not if the 1% wasn’t in him. And by now, he was sure as _heck_ he didn’t have it in him. But he hadn’t given up.

It’s been a while since they joined the team, Hinata and Kageyama seem to be working better at court, even though Kageyama still chews the smaller off every time. They’ve met Nishinoya and Asahi. Their team has been doing much better since then. Tsukishima is a regular, as well as the freak duo. Tadashi is glad for them, they are first years and already playing matches; yet Yamaguchi feels left out, _he is a first year and still not playing matches_.

Tadashi tries to stay positive, they are going to their first training camp, they will be coached and he’s being practicing with the second years. Maybe luck will be with Yamaguchi this time.

But as every time Tadashi thinks he can do something right, he doesn’t.

Yet, that’s not all…

When he first met Tsukki, he was a little scared of him, he was harsh and cold. Kei acted as if he didn’t care and that made Tadashi feel hurt sometimes. When the boy fell in love, he was glad of that attitude. At least he could be sure Tsukishima would keep unwanted relationships at bay.

During that training camp, they played against Nekoma and their team captain seemed to have had certain interest in his loved childhood _friend_. At first, he didn’t mind. But when Nekoma’s captain tried to reach out to him, Tadashi had a bad feeling. Kei ignored the guy, though. But Yamaguchi knew something felt off.

That attitude could sure keep relationships at bay, _but what if Tsukki didn’t want to?_

The events at the training camp got him to the realization that, if he wanted to improve, he needed to work harder. Tadashi reaches to Shimada, their new coach’s former teammate. If Yamaguchi wants to get better, he needs to start getting better…

So, they practiced after school. It was hard, there were days where everything hurt. Not just physically, but also mentally. Everything was just too much, but Tadashi wouldn’t let anyone know. Yamaguchi was breaking, but he’d be fine. This wasn’t the first time he was physically _and_ emotionally hurt after all. He’d fight it and stand again, as he always did. Tadashi just needed time.

The motivation was there for a while, Tsukki was everything Yamaguchi needed.

A part of him, deep down, knew that it was completely one-sided, but motivation was _motivation_ and his heart was aware.

After weeks of practicing until late at night, the game against Aobajousai got closer and closer and Tadashi’s anxiety got worse and worse. If he ever had even a single drop of confidence, it’s gone and the feeling never stops growing, not even after the big moment was gone. No even after they lost their match. No even after he lost it all.

The feeling of turning down his team hurt him, but not as much as whenever he thought of his feelings for Kei.  They were all crying when Ukai told them to grab their food, but Kei wasn’t. Tadashi could still notice how frustrated he was and how annoyed he felt, it broke him and he cried harder. Yamaguchi couldn’t look at Tsukishima in the eye.

Tadashi _needed_ time, but time wouldn’t stop just for him. Everything happened too fast and no matter how hard he tried Tsukishima wouldn’t look at him.

He didn’t need much to notice, Kei would never feel for Yamaguchi the way he does.

And nothing matters. Not the time it took him to notice, not the tears and blood he’d shed, not his feelings for the blond, neither the time they did spend together before. Nothing.

Because Tadashi never worked hard for Tadashi, he worked hard for Kei.

And nothing would ever make sense anymore if Tsukishima wasn’t there.

It all broke down after other training camp they had, his gut feeling about Nekoma’s captain wasn’t wrong at all. Kuroo was pushing Tsukki _really_ hard and, at some point, Kei just compelled. Compelled _until_ the raven touched the blond’s soft spots.

Tsukishima was moody the whole day because of that and Tadashi couldn’t take it. He tried to make him feel better by attempting to talk it out, but it didn’t work. Yamaguchi tells Tsukki that the captain might not be good to be with and Tsukishima asks him not to be so nosey. They end up screaming at each other, Yamaguchi is jealous and Tsukishima misunderstands.

“You basically told me to not be an ass to people, so why when I have someone and do just that, you act like this?!” Tsukishima asked.

“ _Because that someone is not me._ ” Tadashi replied, in his thoughts, never voiced it. He just turned around and sighed, then walked away. If he stayed a second more, Yamaguchi would cry and he was tired of being the one _feeling_.

What the freckled boy didn’t expect was Kuroo being serious about Kei. Right after Tadashi walked away, Tetsurou was there to comfort Tsukishima. _Tetsurou_ , not _Tadashi_.

And that’s how _that_ started.

Yamaguchi had no idea how it escalated that quickly; for all he knew, Kei was pissed at Kuroo for going _places_ he didn’t want to turn to, the older boy made Kei realize how miserable he was feeling about much things, volleyball, for example. Yet, when Yamaguchi told him the other guy gave him a negative vibe, Tsukishima Kei went full mad and flipped at him. _At Yamaguchi._

They hadn’t talked for some days, but Yamaguchi knew it still wasn’t right to do so.

Kei was texting someone who wasn’t him, he rolled his eyes and smiled at his phone, Tsukishima was even training properly and being serious about the team. _God, he even blushed at his phone’s screen from time to time_. But Kei was never like that, and a part of Tadashi was glad Tsukki found something to fill the hole inside, but the rest of Yamaguchi was crumbling and burning; Yamaguchi knew what was behind those smiles and enthusiasm. And it was Tadashi’s turn to _feel_ the hole now.

It hurt because _Kuroo_ was behind those smiles, not Yamaguchi or his efforts. But it hurt the most thinking about everything he had done to stand where he was. It hurt because everything reminded him of Tsukki.

Tadashi didn’t know when they exactly started dating, but he knew they were.

One day, Tadashi understood Kei wasn’t at fault for his own feelings and came back to Tsukki’s side, he needed Kei after all. They talked some things out and agreed that Kei’s relationship wouldn’t tear them apart. They were back to being friends.

Tsukishima was glad. He was never the communicative type, but after Kuroo asked him out, he felt the need to share his bursting emotions with someone (which he wasn’t used to), but the only “someone” who would listen he had pushed off. Now that he got him back, he was glad.

They talked about Kuroo, their _stupid_ fight, how much they missed each other and sometimes even about volleyball and Tadashi’s extra-practices. Kei was over the clouds and nothing could feel better, but Tadashi, on the other hand, felt a little more broken every time he talked to (or even just saw) the blond. Kei had changed, much more than ever, he seemed calmer and more sympathetic. Tsukishima changed way more than Tadashi, and Kei probably didn’t even try. _He probably didn’t even notice._ Neither, not that Tadashi tried to change, nor that he himself changed.

 _And Kuroo was behind all this, not Yamaguchi_.

And nothing could upset him more.

Tadashi kept up for a few weeks more, but it was matter of time until everything crumbled again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! :D
> 
> I think this one is a little bit short, but it's kind of the first half of a chapter, so yeah heh


	5. Entre comillas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kei only knows how to feel angry, so he is and when Yamaguchi gives him the chance, Tsukishima vents everything on him (and Kuroo). 
> 
> Or in which Tsukishima pushes everyone away so they can't see him break (and because he is scared).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, double chapter. I just finished writing and can't help but be excited about it.  
> Please don't mind any typos, it's almost 4 am and I haven't eaten nor slept heh 
> 
> Please enjoy!!

Everything was fine when Kuroo and Tsukishima started dating, honest. The first three months were great, for all they could think of. They saw each other during training camps and matches, Kuroo even visited sometimes by himself, though it was mostly due to volleyball. Sure, Tetsurou had admission tests and practice, plus his own finals; Tsukishima had practice and finals too, without mentioning the first quarrel he’d ever had with Yamaguchi; but that never seemed to give them any sort of problem.

After that time in one of their first training camps together, where Kuroo mentioned something about Hinata aiming (and actually trying) to be his best while Tsukishima seemed to be beating around the bush, and Tsukishima being actually hurt, Tetsurou knew exactly where and how _not_ to step on the spots.

Meanwhile, on Yamaguchi’s side, things never seemed better. He was frustrated and he knew being around Tsukki wasn’t a great idea. He either needed to tell him about his feelings for the blond or just give himself some distance until the wound healed properly. But none gave him relief when thinking about the outcome. If Tadashi told the blond he loved him, their relationship would feel awkward and he didn’t want that. But he also hated the idea of “voluntarily” placing Kei out of his life. He knew he would never have the courage to simply walk back in again after “healing”, not again. Yamaguchi had a really hard time after the first quarrel.

_Can you guess what happened?_

Right, just a few weeks after they finished their first year, Yamaguchi confessed.

And that’s where the _real_ dispute started between both.

Tsukishima acted defensively, as if Yamaguchi meant some sort of threat for his relationship, which he felt already kind of hesitant about, since Kuroo hadn’t called since the school year was over. He could understand he was busy, but Kei wondered if Tetsurou felt the same pain he did from being apart. However, he wasn’t able to push himself to call his boyfriend.

After graduating, a lot of things changed in Kuroo’s life. First, he needed to move out from his parents’ house to the university’s dorm rooms. He had talked many times with his parents, he was sure he didn’t need to move out, but they insisted it would help him be more independent and responsible; but not just that, joining the university’s volleyball team meant practicing even during the summer break, to which his mother decided to send him over since then.

Tetsurou truly enjoyed the idea of having autonomy and certain privacy, but just the idea, putting it in practice felt quite different. After all, having to share his place with roommates, whom he will most likely have no idea about, did _not_ look that exciting in his eyes.  Besides, while he planned to spend most of his summer break with Kei, Tetsurou was apparently not able to.

And that’s when Tsukishima hesitates to step into Kuroo’s life more than he already has. Also, when Yamaguchi troubles him more.

“Not because you’re telling me this, means that I’ll break up with Kuroo,” the blond said in a defiant tone, though he could feel his voice wavering and hoped the freckled boy wouldn’t notice.

The whole team got together that day, they had a party to see out their third years and say their good-bye’s, it was something simple, but emotional, which placed Yamaguchi in a vulnerable place. He had pulled Tsukishima out of Tanaka’s room, where they gathered, and drove him to the living room for some privacy.

Yamaguchi sighed and dropped his once tensed shoulders after hearing the blond.

“Yeah, I was never expecting you to,” he answered, _noticing Kei’s slightly trembling voice_. Expecting and hoping were lightly different things, while Tadashi never expected _that_ , he still _wished_ it could happen. “Listen,” it now was _his_ voice breaking. “I really wish you’re happy with him. I just…” He dropped himself in the couch next to them. “I needed to tell you, Tsukki. I’ve been keeping the secret for _years._ I need some space to breathe.”

“Tsukki, I… really love you, and I will be here whenever you need me, just-”

He is interrupted by a low scoff and looks up at the taller boy.

“And I don’t need that,” his voice tense and his eyes dull. He feels betrayed and Yamaguchi can get the idea.

“You have never been the best with feelings, Tsukki, you know that. But, please, don’t be too hard on yourself, or him…”

“I’m not an _idiot_ , Yamaguchi.” He shook his head. “Besides… why do you care?!” Kei was now shouting. “Wouldn’t that be better for you? Get the _fuck_ out of my life.” He turned his back on Tadashi and walked back to the room with the others, but after a few minutes, Yamaguchi could see him leave. By this specific moment, Tadashi was already crying, his shoulders were shaking and he couldn’t exactly tell if his mind was either blank or really noisy, but the freckled boy was sure he wasn’t feeling okay.

On the other side, Tsukishima feels confused. He is hurt, tired, stressed, angry, frustrated and scared. The blond is regretting everything. Not as if he regretted being with Kuroo because he didn’t like (or love) him, but he was scared to give a step forward not knowing what could happen. Kei wasn’t a _change_ person, he hated change and feelings always changed, circumstances as well. He’s having _too much_ emotions, but he only knows anger. Kei only knows how to feel angry, so he is and when Yamaguchi gives him the chance, Tsukishima vents everything on him.

Their school break helped the blond to calm down, yet he felt restless, as well as Yamaguchi. The freckled boy hasn’t done anything other than regret everything he said. He knew he wasn’t ill intended, he never thought of using the situation to his advantage, ever. But it hurt when Kei put it that way, it hurt too much.

It’s almost two months when Kuroo gives up his goal of making Tsukishima make a move first and finally calls him. Kei rejoices. But he can’t let the other know, so he just dismisses any apparent sign of a feeling and tells him not to visit him.

Yet, when Kuroo does visit, Tsukishima fights his facial muscles really hard to not smile. Kei truly didn’t expect Tetsurou to visit, but he was glad he decided to stay home while his family took off. Since then, every time Kuroo told him he’d go, or even when he didn’t tell him, Kei stayed home for the weekends.

Tsukishima feels relieved when Kuroo is close, he feels so at peace that, for moments, he forgets everything about Yamaguchi, which he tried hard to do even when Kuroo wasn’t there, he still felt confused and sad.

The first time Kuroo implies sex in their conversations, Kei is nervous, everything Yamaguchi told him about Tetsurou being someone not to trust comes back to his mind and it takes time for him to decide he wants to try something new. Kei really likes Kuroo, he can even say he _loves_ him, and there’s no one else he would ever want to try something like this than Tetsu.

For a second, he forgets he is scared, but he needs reassurance and he thinks the next step on their intimacy can’t bring any harm.

 _He is wrong_.

He is not feeling any better after they are done, not even after Kuroo held him as if the was the most fragile piece of porcelain ever, not after all the times the raven whispered ‘I love you’. He felt something missing. He felt withdrawn and he grew more anxious.

When Tetsurou noticed and asked, with the most serious tone of voice he’d ever heard him use, if he was feeling alright, Kei dismissed him, once more, telling him he was _fine_.

And he was nowhere near _fine_ ; Kuroo knew, he felt it, but let it go.

Kuroo’s _fuck-visits_ lasted for months, in between three or four, they were back to classes and practice. Tsukishima’s anxiety was piling up.

Finally, one day after their evening practice, Yamaguchi approaches the tall boy.

It’s been about a month now that they were back to classes and they hadn’t talked. Every time a member of the team asked Tsukishima if he was alright, he’d say “yes, let’s go back to practice”. He obviously didn’t look okay, not at all.

Yamaguchi is, of course, still hurt, but Tsukki is his soft spot, and him looking that bad broke his heart, probably much more than being rejected again. (He thinks).

“Hey, Tsukki!” The shorter smiles at him when the blond approaches the bench, where everyone dropped their bags, in the changing room, but the other just walks by. “Tsukki, I know there is something wrong with you, please, tell me what’s going on,” he places his palms over his knees when the other ducks to pick his stuff, genuinely expecting an answer.

“Stop trying to get your fucking nose in my life, Yamaguchi.”

Burnt.

“I know there is something going on and I’m trying to know so I can help you get through this.”

“I told you, I don’t need you.”

 _Lies_.

“Have you even told him you love him? Does he even care? You know, I would-”

“ _Shut up, Yamaguchi.”_

He punches a locker by his side, stands straight, looks down at the brunet and walks away.

 _I’m scared, Tadashi_.

Yamaguchi feels so broken, everything hurts, his muscles from practice, his head from thinking too much and his soul from definitely losing _Tsukki_.

“Fine, do it alone.” The freckled boy tells him right before the blond leaves the room.

It’s too soon for _Tsukishima_ , but _Tsukki_ hurts just as much.

Tsukishima stormed off, he was hating but wasn’t exactly sure what he hated the most, himself or Yamaguchi, for always being right. _Wait_. He didn’t hate his best friend. He was just scared and this was like a nightmare. He’d wake up tomorrow and go back to Yamaguchi, like he did not long ago, _right_?

Not really, because it was, indeed, too long ago since the last time he could talk normally with Tadashi. He had lost him for a while now.

And it was just as he thought, a _nightmare_ , but in reality, it wasn’t over and seriously felt as if it would never be. He comes back home, upset, to receive Kuroo for the weekend. The raven teases him, as always, and Kei replies with cold, sarcastic words.

Tsukishima explodes when Kuroo tells him they should _get to it_ , then remembers Yamaguchi’s words, ‘ _Kuroo doesn’t even take this seriously, does he?’_ , from one of those times where they argued about him. _Why was Tadashi always right?_

Tadashi was done trying, though. He was tired of never being enough, tired of the pain, anxiety, from being taken for granted. He could never hate Tsukishima, except Kei gave him all he needed to hate him.

_“Kuroo is much better than me, after all.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I only have one thing left to say:
> 
> I'm sorry.


	6. Plural siendo singular

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was too soon to have given up yet, Kei felt as happy as he could ever have felt. 
> 
> And maybe a half can be a whole for once...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so much time to update ^^'

_Kei gave up._

Kuroo _needs_ Tsukishima.

Tetsu knows he should give Kei some time and he knows he himself needs time as well. He hasn’t called Tsukki, nor the blond had called him.

The same feeling hits him once more. It’s as if he was drowning, his chest is in pain and his limbs feel numb. His head is up in the clouds, but there seems to be a storm and his mind is full of thunders and lightnings.

It’s been a month and a week (and three days), Kei hasn’t called.

And Kuroo expected it. But, again, hoping is not the same as expecting. Kuroo _hoped_ Kei would call, but never really _expected_ him to do so.

A month, a week and four days; Kuroo decides to message Tsukishima.

Tetsurou tells Kei he’ll be there, no matter what, that’s it’s been too long since the last time they met. He tells him he expected him to message first to know if it was alright to talk. _He uses the word expecting when he talks to Tsukki, though._ Kuroo is sorry that it took him too long, but he really was hoping that Kei would. He was scared to be rejected again, specially by Tsukishima. He sends Kei his direction again, Kuroo was sure he did send it before, but he wanted to make sure Tsukki felt welcome anytime.

Of course, Tetsurou tells Tsukki everything, except that he was scared. All of it in a text message. If Kei will reject him, Kuroo might as well not listen to the painful words leaving Tsukki’s lips.

It was late and he had work to do, it’s been about half an hour since he sent the message, so he decides to get to work on his project.

When Tetsurou is done with that, he looks up and… Oh, it’s morning already. He packs his stuff, laptop and all, walks to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for his day. Not that he felt _ready_ , but it was fine (he guessed). Tetsu could go on.

Except he couldn’t.

He eyed his alarm clock, just in time. Kuroo grabbed his phone and dropped it in his bag, his next class would be starting in about half an hour and he needed yet to buy some coffee so he _had_ to go. Tetsurou had three classes one after the other without breaks in between.

And it wasn’t until noon that Tetsurou took the time to check on his phone.

He was so used to never having answers from the blond that it seemed so natural for him forgetting he even messaged his _boyfriend_ and now that he had a reply, his hands were simply shaking.

 _Unexpected_ : three texts.

 

“I’m fine.”

“What about you?”

“I fought with Yamaguchi.”

_He what?_

“I’m fine, but are you really okay? Isn’t he your best friend?”

“No, actually, don’t worry!”

“You know, Bokuto and I fight all the time, and he is still my best bro.”

 

 _What an asshole_.

Yamaguchi was Kei’s only friend, he was _his best friend_ , did he know that? He’s been completely alone since Kuroo left his house without a word. _Fucking asshole._ Why did Kei miss him so much?

“Are you busy? Should I go for the weekend?” Kei asked.

Kuroo was surprised. Tsukishima asked if he should go, he asked if he was busy. Was he feeling that bad?

“Sure, babe. I always have time for you.”

 No reply. He expected that.

He was excited now. Tetsurou really missed the blond and now he’d be able to see him. Nothing could be more perfect. Ever. Now, Kuroo could go through the rest of his day somewhat peacefully. _Tetsu could go on_.

And the weekend came over and Kuroo couldn’t help but feel excited every time he happened to look at the clock, just a few more minutes and they would finally meet.

An hour would always feel like an eternity when he waited.

But he waited and time did its thing. Kei called and Tetsurou knew he had arrived, when he picked up, Tetsu offered to go meet him, his flat wasn’t that far away from the station anyway.

Upon arriving and noticing the tall blond, looking as lost as he was, Kuroo could finally feel his heart beating in his chest for the first time in months. He didn’t have the strength to hide his wide smile and even felt a few tears trying to make their way out. The station was sure crowded, it was Tokyo after all, but, somehow, he could not see other people. It was only him and the moon.

On the other hand, he could see in Kei’s expression that he must have felt just as lonely as he did. No matter how hard Tsukishima tried to keep it cool, he could see it in his eyes and his tiny smile, one that he could only see if he paid close attention.

The whole weekend was as relaxing and sweet as they could have ever wished it was. Kuroo’s roommates were out for the weekend, so they had the dorm room for themselves; Kuroo ordered food for almost the three days, so they didn’t really worry about that at all, and he, as well, suggested spending those three days watching movies, “Kuroo’s stupid, cheesy romcoms” and “amazing dinosaur films”, as Kei would rather call them.  

Both had been stressed and Tetsurou knew, as well as he knew how to keep his relationship healthy, so Tetsu just went with the flow and didn’t push Kei into _something else_ , which worked just fine, because Kuroo had never seen Tsukishima smiling that much.

And everything just felt too real: the way Kuroo whispered quiet _I love you_ ’s every time their eyes met, those forehead kisses Tetsurou gave him when Kei was too focused on the romantic movies he supposedly ‘didn’t like’, all those moments where Tsukki held Kuroo’s hand when he thought he was asleep or when Kei played with the other’s hair when Tetsu _was_ asleep.

_And Kei thought maybe it was too soon to have given up yet._

 

When the time to go back finally arrived, Kei wished they had more time, Kuroo promised he’d always leave his weekends free for Tsukishima to come and they agreed on repeating the whole thing.

And so they did, a few more times, a few more months.

All those days were everything Kei longed for; the only event he looked forward to during his whole week was the weekend, and he had a more than good reason for it.

If anyone knew, they wouldn’t blame him. At all.

He had forgotten about the issues with Yamaguchi and was no longer mad, but they hadn’t talked yet, not since the last time they fought. Though, somehow, he didn’t mind.

_Tsukishima Kei was as happy as he could ever be._

 

But not everything is rainbows and sunshine, especially when the sun is not shinning, because the sun is not enough to light every place, certainly not those which were far away.

Because Kageyama still tried too hard to stay over the cold places Hinata’s light couldn’t warm up. And every time Shouyo grew stronger and reached farther, Tobio ran away much faster.

Tsukishima’s bad mood might have lifted a bit, but Kageyama was the same grump he was before and Hinata’s energy and light seemed to vanish from time to time.

Tobio might have decided to let go of Oikawa after the last few times he tried to talk with him but that never meant he was over it all. Kageyama was having a hard time trying to understand what did every other guy Oikawa dated have that Tobio didn’t have.

He knew he had several flaws, but he could work on them, _he already was;_ they had promised to work on them together before, Tooru told him he _was_ fine just like that anyway. But, apparently, those ‘perfect’ flaws, as Oikawa once said, were everything Tooru needed to push Tobio out of his life.

Or maybe Oikawa never really thought of him as someone special? He might even never know, Tooru literally pushed him out in every way. First, out of his house, then out of his dorm room, out of his social media, out of his mind, out of everywhere. Maybe Oikawa just played him around, for all he knew.

After all that happened between them, he was left feeling as just a half of something.

The worst part was that he was once a whole, he knew how that felt and losing a half now left him heartbroken. But it became even worse when he had no idea how to deal with his feelings, not knowing exactly what he was feeling and experiencing a bunch of new emotions was enough to leave him stumbling and with motivation to even _understand_ at all.

But he had volleyball and training sessions.

He had matches coming up and a _great_ teammate.

_And then he noticed._

He sure was lost, but it was just matter of time before all this tripping and stumbling became a steadier step. He needed to take some time to pick up his pieces and pull them together.

Tobio’s heart still raced when he heard Oikawa’s name, or when he heard his voice in TV interviews of his college’s team, he sure still had feelings for the older boy, but he was sure _as hell_ that he could continue without him.

He would go on, just as Tooru did when Tobio stepped in the other’s place and found him making out with some stranger. Kageyama would go on, just as Oikawa did when Tooru broke Tobio’s heart.

_He would go on, because he could again be a whole after just being a half._

 

 

But, as in every time, after the calm comes the storm…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry about this, again :3c


	7. April

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi doesn’t talk because he never knows when to shut up.  
> Kei doesn't know what's going on, except he actually sort of does... 
> 
> It's time to go home, but where exactly is "home"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double-chapter!
> 
> Please excuse any typo, it's 5:30 AM

Akaashi doesn’t talk because he never knows when to shut up, and even when he means well, people just don’t get him, they all misunderstand.

This time, it is Bokuto who misunderstands, it’s not just any one.

 _It’s Bokuto_.

They’ve know each other for years, almost three to be fair, since they were in high school. But after Bokuto graduated (and Akaashi became a third year) they’ve had plenty of misunderstandings, distress and unhappiness.

Akaashi doesn’t talk because he never knows _when_ to shut _the fuck_ up. Not even when he is so frustrated he’d rather die.

Keiji knows he is bad with words, but Koutarou doesn’t; so every time the older one tries to talk it out, Bokuto ends up wishing he never actually started.

Bokuto Koutarou is unstable, he is volatile. He can be as energetic as he can be furious, too intense, too sudden. Akaashi Keiji never speaks his mind because he is too self-conscious, he is quiet most of the time and thinks too much; people think he is cold, but Akaashi is just _scared_.

After too many attempts, Koutarou guesses that maybe, and just maybe, Keiji feels forced to stay by his side. Now that he thinks of it, his boyfriend never said ‘I love you’ and it makes sense, as sad as it made him. Besides, every time the older boy tells him, the other just freaks out and changes the subject.

His world feels like crumbling, his loved boyfriend might not even love him back, college wasn’t getting any easier, volleyball practice was getting harder, he was not having any rest and his best friend was unusually distant.

He needed a break, they all needed a break, which they got when the period was over.

Kuroo was getting drunk a lot lately and that was new, specially from Tetsurou. But he couldn’t blame him, not at all, not after those hellish weeks.

That Friday, the first Friday of April, Tsukishima didn’t seem to visit Kuroo and Bokuto asked him to hang out later that night, at first, the dark-haired boy declined, but after Koutarou begged a little more, he got him. They drank until morning.

 

It was supposed to be a weekend just like any other, except it was more of a surprise visit.

Kei wasn’t used to do this kind of thing; the blond was feeling _really_ nervous and his heart wouldn’t settle for the whole trip. Not like this didn’t happen in any other trip he took to visit Kuroo, but he was _overly_ conscious about it this time.

He changed his mind during the process many times. Even when he had just arrived, he turned on his feet and walked back to buy a ticket back home. Then, he stopped himself, turned around once more and walked in the dorm’s direction. Stopped again, turned back, walked; several times. Tsukishima walked around for half an hour, while the walk to Kuroo’s dorm from the station was less than 10 minutes away.

He felt stupid.

He was excited.

He didn’t feel like himself.

Today really wasn’t any special day, just the first Friday of April, it was still quite early, but he wanted to give his boyfriend a surprise, the last two weeks had been rough for Kuroo, he had too many work and studying to do and Tsukishima could feel how tense he was through his text messages and calls.

After that first time Tsukki visited Kuroo, the texts and calls had been more frequent. Even sometimes, Kei texted or called first and whenever he did, Tetsurou couldn’t hold his joy.

On his way, Kei bought cake and other snacks, probably Tetsu hadn’t had time to do that during the week and the blond hoped his boyfriend could relax for once.

The dorm buildings were all over the university’s surroundings, some were bigger than others, but a single two-story building could hold up to four or six students. Kuroo shared a floor with a roommate and other three were living upstairs. Kei knew none of them and hoped maybe this time he could introduce himself.

Tsukishima thought everything was going on just fine between both.

_But, oh, how stupid could he have been._

The moment Tsukishima stepped in front of the door and pulled out his copy key, the one Tetsu gave him weeks ago, his heart sank.

It was Oikawa.

Oikawa was wearing his shirt.

That _stupid_ Star Wars shirt he had left at Kuroo’s place the last time he visited, two weeks ago.

_Oikawa was wearing his stupid Star Wars shirt._

Kuroo was there, too; they were together, in the couch, kissing, half-naked and, for what he could tell, probably wasted.

_What the fuck._

Tsukishima Kei had no idea what in the world he was feeling at that moment, but he placed the plastic bag with the cake and snacks on the closer surface he could find, a table right next to the door, and turned around. He could hear someone calling, but the blond’s head just shut everything off.

_Yeah, coming was a bad idea after all._

 The second he stepped a foot outside and pulled the door to shut behind him, he realized, everything seemed to sink in.

_Kuroo Tetsurou was cheating on Tsukishima Kei._

How could he had been so blind?

He stood there for some seconds wondering if he should go back inside and demand an explanation, but his mind was a mess and his face as well. He was probably crying right there. Kei never cried though, but he had lost control of everything. Kei was feeling _everything_ , yet he didn’t feel a thing. He was hurting all over, but was numb at the same time.

And he had no idea of how could that be possible, but he was there and he was feeling it.

 _It was so frustrating_.

Tsukishima never noticed when was it that he arrived at the station, really, not even when he walked away from Kuroo’s place. Kei felt his body shaking and could not say a word, his voice was just not there.

Why when he finally thought they were having a good time?

Why when Kei was so sure he loved him?

Really, just… why?

Tsukishima felt someone pulling his arm and he came back to his senses, as much as he could. Kei never noticed when he stopped crying nor when Kuroo sat by his side, not even when he himself sat down by the waiting section. The older boy reeked of alcohol, but looked almost as sober as he ever was and his teary eyes broke Tsukishima’s heart all over again.

“Please don’t tell me it was just as slip, because-”

And he was cut off right there, with a ‘no’, the coldest word someone had ever told him, with the most painful eyes someone had ever looked at him, and the sharpest sting his heart had ever felt.

“No,” Kuroo repeated himself. “We’ve been… doing stuff for a while.”

And like a bomb, Tetsurou dropped it, with trembling in his voice but _guilt_ in his eyes.

And just like a _bomb_ , it blew him off.

Kei had to many questions, but he needed to protect what was left of his _heart_.

He said his goodbye’s and took his train. Just as distant as they once were.

_Oh, how he wishes he wasn’t all alone._

 

During those past two weeks, Kuroo was stressed and Oikawa was having a hard time, they both were as mad as university students in times of heavy projects and due dates could be. They hadn’t seen each other for days, but when they did, they had quarrels about the housework the other missed, or the mess (or noise) the other made. It was never a big deal, because it only happened when both were stressed and they knew. They were a good match, never got into big, real fights, they just vented everything that had pent up but neither really minded. 

It was weird, the way Oikawa looked at him when he lost an argument. The way more things were not done and how often Kuroo would find himself arguing with Tooru. It was kind of an intense setting but there was something magnetic about it, a pleasing feeling.

It turned both on and everything was bound to happen then.

Both felt caged in their own ways.

Kuroo _loved_ Tsukishima, he really did, but he felt _desperate_ in every way and Tooru offered to him the easiest way out.

No feelings, no hate, _nothing to pretend_.  

The first time, Oikawa had to get him really drunk to let him even sit any closer to what they were used to, and even after all they’d drunk, Kuroo wouldn’t stop calling for Kei. And yet after two weeks, Tetsurou still needed to get drunk to touch Tooru. Oikawa was fine with that, he could understand, but now it _hurt_ him every time Kuroo called him _Kei_.

But Oikawa already had feelings, and Kuroo did hate himself, he also pretended Kei was still there.

_Kuroo Tetsurou was a mess._

He really wishes he could tell everything to Bokuto, it’s morning, they are both still mad drunk and Koutarou is crying and rambling about how much he loves his boyfriend, yet he can’t help but worry Akaashi might not love him.

Tetsurou wants to punch his friend right in the face, because anyone could see how much they loved each other.

And he wants to punch himself in the face, because if it wasn’t Bokuto but Tsukki who cried about not being loved, anyone could have told Tsukishima _how much_ Tetsu loved him, and, even then, _Kuroo_ _fucked up_. Because Kuroo _really loved_ Kei, yet cheated on him.

But they must move on, _right_? They can’t stay on the floor crying, waiting for things to get better on their own. Because they won’t.

Bokuto tries to face Akaashi once more, but he receives the same thing over and over again. Even when he decided not to give up even if he had no hope left. Even if he is too frustrated as to take it out on Keiji, even if he really ( _really_ ) loves him.

 _Koutarou can’t take it_.

“If you don’t fucking wanna go on with this, just tell me. It makes me feel much worse when you do this,” it’s the next thing that leaves his lips after screaming non-sense at the younger.

He is tearing apart, he feels week but his words are too strong.

Bokuto _blames_ everything on Akaashi, _not that he means it_ , but he is trying to get a reaction out of him. He is tired and that’s everything he needs, anything that tells him Keiji actually cares.

And he does, but nothing ever goes as expected.

“Do you really feel the way you say you do about me? Are you serious? It’s been slightly more than half a year since we had an actual date, one where you’re not fucking screaming at me or complaining about everything. I have to deal with my own stuff too, it’s not everything about you, don’t be so self-centered. It makes me tired, I’m fucking done.”

It’s everything that leaves Akaashi’s mouth before he runs to confine himself in the bathroom.

And it sounds so not like him.

 _And Bokuto is scare as he has never been before_. He blames himself, for everything. Koutarou know he fucked up.

 _And Akaashi’s anxiety becomes much worse_. He hyperventilates, he is alone, crying and he is sorry, from blaming himself as well.

Keiji knows that he makes things much harder for Bokuto, but he does love him so much and doesn’t want to leave his side, even if all they do is fight. Even if Akaashi say thing he doesn’t entirely mean. Koutarou knows that he’d be more approachable if he didn’t storm out about everything as he always did.

They know, but changing is hard, especially when you notice you fucked up _right after_ you fuck up. And it becomes a habit.

They fight, Bokuto screams, Akaashi says hurtful things then runs to hide, in the middle of a panic attack, because he is scared Bokuto could see him as miserable as he was, always crying alone.

_Always the same, Koutarou screams, Keiji flies away._

Except, the few last times it happens, Bokuto, who sobs loudly, follows Akaashi, who cries silently, and hits the bathroom door until his energy is gone.

And days go on, and every time they meet becomes distant, because whenever Bokuto is not over volleyball practice, he is getting drunk with Kuroo. And whenever Keiji is not busy with his own team, he is busy with college tests.

But they do love each other.

_Or maybe the idea they had of the other._

But they are bound together and naturally fall back to their place, side by side.


	8. Kenma, the Calico cat, states its declaration

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tooru cries until too late at night and Kenma can't do anything about it. 
> 
> Or in which everything gets even more fucked up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly don't know what I'm doing, I'm sorry. 
> 
> But I've been waiting until it was time to write this chapter because I love cat!Kenma.   
> (And I love sad!Tooru)   
> ((And sad!everyone, to be fair))
> 
> I hope you get the angst i'm getting from this tho

_Tooru had always been a softie._

He was a _softie_ when he fell in love with his best friend.

He was a _softie_ when he was bullied in elementary school.

He even was a _softie_ when he found _him_.

 

It was probably over his last elementary school year when he found Kenma, he could still remember everything as if it had happened just yesterday. They were out, Tooru and his friends, playing soccer, it was raining and Oikawa really wanted to quit the match. He never liked soccer in the first place, but none of his friends liked volleyball as he did, so he had no choice other than being the _stupid_ goalkeeper. He was mad, really, he just had a little fight with Iwaizumi, so Tooru couldn’t bluntly ask him out to play, plus it was raining, and Hajime really hated rainy days.

On his way back home, after the pouring rain made it hard to keep on playing, Oikawa heard a faint ‘meow’ over the corner and, when he walked closer, he found a tiny cat, all wet, with white fur mixed with orange and black spots all over.

His heart _ached_ when he saw it down there, trying to protect itself from the pouring rain under a pile of wet cardboard boxes.

Tooru held the kitten in his arms, he covered it with his jacket and its purrs warmed him much more than any jacket could, ever.

Back on his way home, he thought of a way to convince his mother about keeping Kenma, because, yeah, Oikawa knew that was the right name for his new best friend. And it wasn’t that hard, because Tooru promised he’d take good care of him and his mom loved Kenma already.

They’ve been together since then, it’s been about seven years from that.

 _And Tooru is still a softie_.

 

Last year, Oikawa was away from home for quite some time and Kenma was left alone. Well, not alone, Tooru’s mom took good care of him, always, but it wasn’t quite the same without Tooru.

Kenma was lonely.

But one day, Kenma heard a voice outside, one that he missed and knew pretty well and, well, let’s say his morning nap could wait until noon, or even afternoon, if it meant that this was actually Tooru. He was almost sure it was him, _Mom_ seemed impatient since last night and now she was downstairs, too excited and jumpy every time any sound came from outside.

First the voice, then the smell.

No doubts afterwards.

_Tooru was back!_

 

And it’s been so long since _Kenma_ was this excited. Or that’s what _Mom_ told Tooru, but Kenma could say the same about _Mom_.

But there was something about Tooru that didn’t feel right. He wasn’t his old bubbly self, he could see his smile there all the time, but his eyes shifted everywhere when _Mom_ asked about _Iwa-chan_.  Kenma knew who Hajime was, he liked him, but didn’t quite get why Tooru felt so wrong about him or his name being told.

Tooru always liked when Kenma licked his hands while he played with his paws, Oikawa always giggled and commented how ticklish it felt. So Kenma _knew_ there was something really off because Oikawa didn’t play with his paws anymore and when he ran his tongue over his fingers, Tooru pulled them away and kept typing on his laptop.

Kenma really liked how Tooru would tell him about his day, he didn’t know what that volleyball thing was, but it made Oikawa happy, so that’s everything he needed to know.

But since Tooru came back, he didn’t tell anything to Kenma.

Until one day, Kenma woke up at night and Oikawa was on the phone, crying; but there was nothing Kenma could do, so he just sat on Tooru’s thighs and let the other pet him.

 And that happened more than once, until they had a visit one day during the afternoon.

A tall, black-haired guy with a big bag.

_Who’s this?_

 

 

Tooru seemed to know him though, Kenma noticed how his voice trembled when greeting the guy and _Mom_ seemed happy too.

Maybe Kenma was the only one with no idea of what was going on.

But he was fine, this _Kuroo_ guy, as Tooru introduced him to _Mom_ , seemed good. He liked to rub Kenma’s ears and head and, well, _cats like that_.

Kuroo stayed for some days; when he said something about living in another place, _Mom_ offered him to stay so he did.

Tooru seemed really nervous and didn’t talk much, it wasn’t the sad-not-talking Tooru but the too-excited-to-talk Tooru; he looked much happier that the past days and as long as he wouldn’t find him crying over the phone in the middle of the night, Kuroo could stay all he wanted.

And then, it happened, the whistle. Once, twice, until Kuroo did it whenever he wanted Kenma’s attention, because of course he got it. The cat had no idea how Tetsurou did it, but he was fascinated. Tooru never did this, probably because he didn’t really know how to, but Kenma loved it.

And a few days went by and Kuroo was gone, and Kenma learnt they were on vacations and Tooru would be gone soon again, but before that, Kuroo would visit a few more times. They would watch movies together, Kuroo would whistle to call Kenma over, make a place for him on the couch; sometimes he cuddled Tooru, other times Tetsurou, but they always spent the whole day together.

Sometimes Kuroo and Oikawa kissed, and Kenma would see them, but he doesn’t like Kuroo any less, instead, he is glad Tooru chose Tetsurou.

 _Kenma likes Kuroo_.

 

Somedays, when Tetsuro is not there, Kenma would wake up to find Oikawa crying alone on the floor, or anywhere, and until now, he still can’t understand what was going on nor why can’t Kuroo stay with them every day, because Tooru never cries when Kuroo is here.

But other than that, Oikawa seems to be doing better, because he talks to Kenma again, he lets him tickle his hands and he doesn’t pull away. Tooru doesn’t talk about _Iwa-chan_ nor volleyball anymore, but he looks just as happy, _or that’s what Kenma likes to think_.

 

Other times, when Kuroo visits, he spends too much time playing with Kenma, so much that Tooru pouts about it and tells Tetsurou to ‘just date his cat’, to which they both laugh at. Kenma doesn’t get any of it, but enjoys the sound of their laughing.

 _Kuroo really likes cats_.

He thinks Kenma is fluffy and soft, and Oikawa jokingly tells him he wishes to be as loved as Kenma is.

And that’s about it.

Because they never talked about love. Because Kuroo still loves Tsukishima. But he is dating Oikawa.

And they go back to their late-night phone conversations, where Oikawa cries and asks Kuroo to give him a chance and Kuroo tries to be cold and set their limits.

Tetsurou knows how Tooru _still_ feels about Hajime, and Tetsu knows he is (and probably always will be) in love with Kei. So, he tells Oikawa those cold-hearted words, those yet so needed words.

“This won’t work, you know it”

A sigh on one side and a few sobs over the other.

“You’re hurting yourself and I’m hurting myself. We’re just trying to fill on blanks, but the pieces never fit.”

A faint and weak ‘ _you are wrong’_ and shaky breath.

“Tooru, I don’t want to hurt you anymore”

 

And just like that, it’s over.

Just like that, everything hurts and it’s unbearable.

 

And again, it’s Monday, Kenma is by the door, waiting for Kuroo to come in, but Oikawa crouches in front of Kenma and pets his head.

_“It’s over, little one, he’s not coming.”_

But he can’t understand, so he keeps waiting for the whistle.

 

Weeks go by and Kenma misses Kuroo, he can’t quite remember when was the last time he rested over Tetsurou’s chest and heard (and felt) him breathe, or the last time he heard his whistle. Kenma can still remember every time Kuroo walked in and he was excited, maybe even just a bit more excited than Tooru.

But it’s been so long since he heard about him that he wonders if he can remember what his whistle sounded like.

And now he can understand what Tooru meant with “over”.

Because Tooru doesn’t wait for it to be late at night to cry, he just cries, always; he is locked in his room, pushing everything and everyone out. Even Kenma, and Kenma would like to cry too, if that made Tooru feel better.

But Kenma himself can’t feel better.

He can’t remember Tooru’s smile, nor Tetsurou’s whistle.

And now Tooru is gone too.

But still Kenma misses both of them.

 

_Kenma forgot Tooru’s smile and Tetsurou’s whistle._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm sorry, I'm crying too, okay? Okay. 
> 
>  
> 
> Also, i hope you don't mind the way this shit was written, but (unless those are typos) everything's got a reason to be written that way.


End file.
